Stress is a constant Companion for Women The Buffalo News
November, 16 2005

Ask Beth Donnelly of Amherst what stresses her out the most, and you'll get an immediate answer.

"Number one is bickering between the kids," says the 41-year-old mother of three active boys, Shane, 9; Kyle, 7 1/2, and Ryan, 3. "That's absolutely number one, because there's nothing I can do about it, I can't stop it; that's just the way kids are."

Beth Donnelly has it exactly right, say stress experts.

"The worst kinds of stress are teh stressors we can't control and are forced to live with, " says Dr. Davis I. Kurss, an obstetrician and gynecologist who is director of the Women's Wellness Center.

Whether the stress is caused by the normal sibling rivalry of three healthy, happy youngsters or something more serious, such as financial, emotional or health crises, women seem to shoulder more of the stress burden, Kurss says.

"Invariably, over the last 20 years of taking care of women, I've found that men do what the yhave to do, and women do what they have to do PLUS," he says.

Studies of the stress hormone cortisol have supported that theory, says Kathleen Hall, founder of the Stress Institute outside Atlanta.

Cortisol levels peak in the morning to get a person up and going, and should drop in the evening, Hall says, "when the stresses of the day are supposed to be behind you." But women who work outside the home and hten face a demanding evening routine of dinner and driving, homework and housework, don't have that drop in cortisol. "Women have another full-time job when they get home," Hall says.

"Tend and befriend"

Mike Donnelly shares his wife's philosophy that fimly time is more important than a picture-perfect house, and who pitches in at every opportunity. But he travels as part of his job, and when he's away, Beth Donnelly shoulders the parenting burden alone. So what does she do?

"I like to read a good book after the boys go to bed," she says. "And if my husband is out of town, I make sure they go to bed early, and then I have my time to unwind. I'll knit or crochet or do those Sudokus (number puzzles), just something to tune it out."

Beth Donnelly's ability to claim time for herself - which she also does by enjoying out-of-town weekends with women riends a few times a year - may be the secret to her success in handling stress.

The urge to seek bonding time with women friends also has a scientific base, UCLA scientists found in a 2000 study. The UCLA study showed that after teh initial "fight or flight" response, women and men reacted differently. Sherilyn Thomas, director of psychological services center at UB, says, "Women are biologically predisposed to respond to stress in the "tend and befriend" way - women are more likely to nurture themselves and others, especially their children."

Women who "tend and befriend" release a hormone called oxytocin, which calms and counters stress. The testosterone produced by men under stress combats the effects of oxytocin, while estrogen enhances it, the researchers found.

"Other research shows that one of the best buffers for stress is social support, and females of all ages - you can look at young girls, adolescents, young adults, women in their middle and older years - are more likely than males to seek support when they're under stress," says Thomas. "And when they're under stress, they seem to prefer to affiliate with other females."

Unfortunately, far too few women take time for themselves, says Kurss. "Women tend to be more nurturing, and they put their own needs last. Maybe that's a biological difference, but nonetheless, women tend to take care of everyone else's needs first."

Miriam Callahan, project coordinator fo the Erie County Department of Senior Services Caregiver Resource Center, sees the fallout when people caring for others don't look after themselves.

"About three-quarters of the caregivers we see in our class, "Powerful Tools for Caregivers," are female," she says.

The caregivers who attend the classes often are so stressed that they don't even know what emotions they are experiencing, she says.

After identifying whether they are experiencing anger, fear, frustration, or some other emotion, class leaders help people recognize the early warning symptoms that their stress is reaching an unbearable level, says Callahan. Those signs can include a clenched jaw, intestinal upset, headache or irritability.

"And after they discover the early warning sign, we ask them to identify what's causing it. And then we ask them, "Is this something you can or can't change?' "says Callahan. "If it's something you can't change, what's out there to help you better accept it?"

The Damage Done

What's so bad about stress anyway? Obviously the human system developed stress hormones over time for a reason - "fight or flight" gave strength and speed boost to a relatively weak primate like a human.

But what was a boon in the Ice Age may be a bane in the Internet Age, experts say.

"when you overproduce (cortisol) for an extended period of time, it almost gets like battery acid, and it literally burns up the nerves," says Hall. People who suffer from chronic stress are more likely to suffer from a wide range of ailments, inlcuding, Hall says, "cardiovascular disease, diabetes, hypertension, and the plague of obesity in this country." Hall's second book on stress, "A Life in Balance: Nourishing the Four Roots of True Happiness," which will be published in January, starts with the arguement that stress is the epidemic of the 21st century. She writes, "The greatest single threat to our lives is not the terrorist putting poison in the water or the pollution in the air; the greatest threat to our lives is our lifestyle and the stress we encounter every day of our lives."

Stop being a martyr

How to tackle this monster called stress?

First, some good or bad news, says Hall. "Our stress response is 50 to 75 percent inherited, so you can look to your mom and your grandmothers and grandfathers and quit blaming yourself."

Despite that, anyone can reduce their stress, as long as they make an effort. And modeling stress-busting behavior may help your children avoid the physical and mental toll of their own inherited stress, Hall says.

"I tell women, "You are not doing your children a favor by being stressed out and teaching them to live life like this. Stop being a martyr and a victim. You are not teaching your children leisure, serenity, the value of God-given peace and serenity and quiet,' says Hall.

Besides the many techniques that can be practiced alone, women with families should enlist the help of those closest to them, says Hall.

"The first thing I recommend for women is have a family meeting," she says. "You have to put it all on the table and say, "Science tells us this is a problem. I want to live long enough to watch my children grow up and go to college and have my grandchildren."

"The only way for you to stop the second work shift at night is to be honest and stop the martyr stuff. You say, "I can't do this alone; it's a team approach, and I am not doing you a favor if I don't teach you about stress and how it'll affect your health long-term.' " Hall says.

She urges women to be brave in reclaiming their time and emotional calm for teh benefit of the entire family, and not to give up if they encounter resistance. Meanwhile, on your own, Hall tells women, "Learn stress reduction techniques and do them on a regular basis, and I promise you, your life will absolutely change."